Perhaps the scariest thing about typing everything you think is that there is nothing to stop your mind from wandering off in a completely different direction. There is no purpose to the true streaming of thoughts and it seems so incredibly personal that your thoughts are on display for everyone to read and to experience. My thoughts are always mine until I type them out onto this computer screen, then they’re yours. They are the worlds words after I let them out and that is simply terrifying. But why is it so scary? It’s scary because we as a society so value our privacy. We expect that no one will ever be able to tell what we are thinking. Like the fact that I’m thinking about how obnoxious the tv seems right now as I try to maintain thought while it’s turned up so loud. That I have to try and live in a house with so many people where I’m so used to being alone. I won’t lie, I revel in my alone time. The stolen moments where it’s just me and I can do whatever I want. I love being able to play the music I like, not the stuff that everyone likes. I love being able to dance around my room and sing as loud as I want to and not care what anyone else thinks. I even like sweeping up the room and the soothing feeling of seeing a totally clean floor and knowing I did it all by myself. I love the clean feeling and the alone feeling all piled into one. I like being able to put my laundry basket on my head and pretend I’m an alien, or a dragon, or whatever I want to and having no one around to judge me. I love having no one around to tell me to grow up. I adore the aloneness when I am trying to get work done. I have never been able to work well with an audience. If I am truly into a project and I want to pour my heart and soul into it I don’t want anyone around. Because it becomes something extremely personal. Worse is when I’ve put myself into a project and then people look at it when I’m in the room. My least favorite activity ever is having someone read out loud what I have written while I’m in the room. My own words scare me. I don’t really know why. I’ve never been afraid of acting: those are other peoples’ words. I have always been afraid of saying my own words aloud, if I’ve had to plan them out before hand. I almost love improvisation. I mean, how totally amazing does it feel to just come up with stuff on the fly. There are no expectations, just whatever comes out of your mouth. And if it sucks who cares, it’s not like you put work into it. Maybe that’s why it’s so fun to watch Whose Line is it Anyway?. Those guys are just on a stage having fun and doing whatever they want. Isn’t that what we all want to do? Just have fun? I know that I’ve never wanted to be a grown up because I hate the thought of having real responsibilities. I don’t ever want other people depending on me for things because there’s no fun there. Those people will keep you locked in and trapped. I just want to go have fun. And to me the most fun thing in the world is exploring. I love traveling to new and exciting places because I can learn so much. From the people that have been there before and left their mark, from the people there now that are making their mark, from the experience of just being there. I love being in a new place. Perhaps I love it so much because it’s an escape from my real life. From the world I feel so trapped in. Coming from a small town you always feel so trapped. There are so many expectations: from your parents, from your friends, from the principal, the teacher, the coach, the preacher, the whole freaking town. They all want something from you. How crazy is that? That I feel like I have to give something to everyone I know. And it’s so exhausting to have to deal with so many people. Because half of them want you to make small talk and I just can’t. I have such a dismay toward persons that want me to make small talk. It’s a waste of time. And I so hate it. It doesn’t even require me to think and what good is it if you don’t have to think? I love a good question that really gets me thinking. I love exchanging information like trading chips. My most favorite thing is to see a person’s eyes light up when I tell them a random fact that pertains to the conversation. Teaching people is so much fun because when they really get it their face is that of pure joy. Because we all want to understand. Understanding is how we connect. When we understand each other we can truly connect. We can truly exist with one another as pure beings. There are no expectations when you really understand someone, because you already know that you’ll never really know what they will do. There is understanding and love and compassion when you finally get someone. When you finally reach that point you will love them no matter what they do and you will have compassion upon them when they mess up because there is nothing they could do to disappoint you. Because you realize that they are just as flawed as you are and you are willing to forgive that. Love them anyway. How crazy is that? That we have to admit to ourselves that other people aren’t perfect pictures. We can’t control other people and I think that really drives some people insane. There is a need for control in our society that leads to so many interpersonal issues. And that’s sad. We shouldn’t try to contain each other, that’s why the word trust exists. We should be willing to love the person enough to let them free. People are so much happier when they’re free. Isn’t that why we’ve fought so many wars, for freedom? We all want to truly be free. I want to truly be free. Perhaps I’m just putting my wants and needs on everyone. Though I feel like what I want stems from where I’ve grown up, and if that is true then my wants shouldn’t be much different from those around me. Because we’re all connected whether we admit it or not. We’re all really one.